Holidays!

I usually hate the holidays - as a kid there was a lot of arguing that went on and in general were really stressful.  But the last few years we haven't had that, we have gone to other people's houses to celebrate which is so nice.

This Thanksgiving - Maggie and I are going to Stayton to celebrate with the Odenthal's.  I am so excited and so is Maggie.

We just got an invitation to go to our friend Ken's house for Christmas Eve  - I love celebrating holidays with his family and friends they are such an incredible bunch.  They always make us feel loved and welcomed.  Yay, we have plans.

Christmas this year will be really lean - Maggie has a few presents and the gifts we are giving are all home made.  Hopefully, future years will be more fruitful but we live with what we have.

Life...

Life is going well.  The school year is 1/3 of the way done.  The last 2/3rds of the year go really slow.  But I am accumulating time off so that will help.  The nice thing about this schedule is that I can take time to go with Maggie to dr. appts and stuff without missing work.

Santa Claus - has arrived

Today we got to see Santa Claus,  it was a surprise for both of us because I hadn't planned it.  But we were walking around Lloyd Center and there he was.

Watch "Sesame Street: Elmo's Song" on YouTube

When I was fired from my teaching job I was hurt – I was hurt so deeply the scar still bleeds.  I loved teaching there; I loved my co-workers, the children I taught and coached and all their families.  It was all ripped away from me because I was selfish and wanted a child of my own.  I had seen families grow over my two years at this school and I wanted the same for me.  I never thought that I was being selfish, I was afraid that by the time someone came along who I would want to marry I would be too old to have children.  I wanted nothing more in my life than to have children of my own and be a teacher.

I didn’t feel that I was being selfish, and I still don’t think I was being selfish but that is how it felt when I was fired – that because I was a selfish woman who thought she could have a family without a man I didn’t deserve to have a job at this school.

I am hurt 2 years later, I am scarred and damaged.  I don’t know if I will ever be the person I was or the person who I was going to become without that damage.  I have severe depression and anxiety because of being fired.  No one knows how bad it hurts.    It feels like my family and friends were ripped away and lied to.  When I was fired and decided to move back to Portland Father Steve told the congregation that I left my job because I wanted to be closer to my family.  What a lie – he should have told all of them the truth that I had been fired (would have been illegally if they weren’t a church) because I was single and pregnant.  Most of those families wouldn’t have known the truth if I hadn’t friended them on Facebook and announced it. 

Every time I get close to where I was – emotionally, financially, psychologically, I sabotage it somehow.  When I was working in an office – I sabotaged that job (unconsciously) because of Maggie being sick so often.  When I took a Head Start while I was pregnant – I had such bad anxiety because what if they found out I was pregnant and fired me?  What if they fired me because I went on maternity leave?  I could have had my mom take care of her but Maggie was sick a lot and she was not my mom’s burden.  When I went to Arizona – I was so homesick yet so close to being financially able to support Maggie and myself.  I came back to Oregon and took a job that paid significantly less and makes it so I cannot afford to support Maggie, but at least I am near my family and they can support us – emotionally, psychologically and sometimes financially.

Here is the price I paid for the reaction my employer had to decisions I made in my personal life:

-          Anxiety

-          Depression

-          I cry myself to sleep 2 years 2 months 16 days later.

It may sound easy to forgive those who have wronged me –

Rick – for not standing up to Father and saying that I was a good teacher who made a positive difference in the lives of the children I taught and coached.  For discussing me and my situation at Principal’s meetings – making it impossible for me to ever work in a Catholic school again.

Father Steve – for not having the understanding, compassion, willingness to see past a human’s faults and see that they are trying to reconcile what has happened.  For passing the buck to Rick – and making him fire me.  For lying to the parishioners of the church telling them that I had moved to Portland to be closer to my family – when really I moved back to Portland because I had no job, no way to support myself.  For taking the “matter” to the Bishops Council and getting a vote on what to do and how to handle me.

The parents who told Rick I was pregnant – what gave them the right to tell him I was pregnant?  I don’t even know who the “multiple parents” were.  I think one was a co-worker.

My one former Best Friend/Co-worker for betraying me in a way that hurt so deeply to the core that it has thus far made it impossible to make friends and even keep friends.  She made me not trust anyone except myself, my parents and Maggie.

                I am thankful for the people who stood by me – but 2 years 2 months and 16 days later, I have to wonder how much longer will they be in our life?  Are they permanent?  Are they temporary?  If they are temporary I don’t  want them around Maggie.  I don’t want her getting attached to them.  It isn’t fair to her.
     Today I posted,” I want to be thankful for forgiveness, but since I will never be forgiven it is hard to be thankful for forgiveness.”  So many people responded that I shouldn’t feel this way, but honestly imagine your religion abandoning you.  Imagine your job and important people in your life abandoning you in your greatest time of need.  Imagine that you are pregnant and suddenly have no way to support yourself or your child.  It is scary and that pain doesn’t just go away – I love Maggie more than anything in the world.  I don’t regret my choice to make Maggie.  But when your world is ripped away from you because of a decision you made it is really hard to live with.  I feel that because of my choice I am damned to hell, that there is no way for me to find my way back to God.  Imagine the feeling – I have felt lost for 2 years 2 months and 16 days.

Blah

Another month out. I think I will wait until July. Maggie would be 3 and thongs should be easier.  Then the kids would share a birthday month.

Yay! My car is done. I am still doing physical therapy. It is helping but the stretches caused a migraine the other day.

Work is going well. There are good moments and bad but I try to remind myself that the good moments are really good. 

My class is better this week, we are studying syntax, which I rock at. I have a chance of passing. God willing.