life themes

I was offered a job teaching ESOL in Idaho, which is what my degrees are for, I would be teaching at the middle school. Today, I had an interview for a head teacher positon at a university in their child development lab. I got called back for a second interview. From the sounds of it I am the only one. So, choices. Make a little less work where the cost of living us lower, work with big kids or make a little more, cost if living is higher have incredible insurance. Hmmm... I hate these decisions. So

I lied to a friend who I have never lied to before

and I feel horrible. I am brutally honest with this friend. I figure lay it all out there either they will stay my friend or run away. I lied to protect myself - I am not using that as an excuse - but I guess I am. How much does a "friend" need to know. Ugh! It is haunting me. I think I might have to text said friend. I don't want too, because then I am letting them into a very private - teeny, tiny part of my life that I use only for me.

I hate my life sometimes

I hate my life right now, the only things I am loving are Maggie and my practicum I miss having a best friend - hell right now I miss having any friends who can hang out or want to hang out. Maybe I am to demanding but right now I need other adult attention. I need someone I can count on besides my mom. I am tired of being single - but I am pretty sure that is the way it will be for the rest of my life. I am tired of going to school, working, doing homework and trying to be a good mom. I feel like a horrible mom most of the time.

Nose surgery

Yesterday, I had my sinus surgery.  I hate having surgery.  My Dr. swears up and down that this is the last one I will have to have.  Apparently my deviated septum was a major culprit in all these sinus infections on top of being exposed repeatedly to allergens in my classroom.  I got to the hospital at 11am and left there around 9:15.  My mom was awesome, she had my Grandma P. there with her for the morning then took Grandma home and picked Maggie up after I was in recovery.  We thought I would be in an out in no time after the surgery.  But I was in the recovery area a lot longer than normal  - like 2-3 hours instead or 90 minutes.  Maggie was also a trooper throughout this - although I am sure my mom was exhausted by the time all was said and done.  I heard from the nurses that Maggie had my mom running around in circles in the waiting room.

Hopefully, I will feel better soon.  If not, I am not going to work tomorrow.  I have to go to work for a little bit on Thursday for a mandatory meeting.  But that may be the only time I am in this week. :(

I can't wait until Thursday when the packing gets removed from my nose - yay!! I will probably be able to breath through my nose by Saturday.  Just in time for Maggie's birthday.

Maggie's birthday present came today - she is getting a Balance Bike.  I wanted to assemble it and bring it to her birthday party so she could get it there.  But, I don't think I will have the energy to do it.

When I was fired from my teaching job I was hurt – I was hurt so deeply the scar still bleeds.  I loved teaching there; I loved my co-workers, the children I taught and coached and all their families.  It was all ripped away from me because I was selfish and wanted a child of my own.  I had seen families grow over my two years at this school and I wanted the same for me.  I never thought that I was being selfish, I was afraid that by the time someone came along who I would want to marry I would be too old to have children.  I wanted nothing more in my life than to have children of my own and be a teacher.

I didn’t feel that I was being selfish, and I still don’t think I was being selfish but that is how it felt when I was fired – that because I was a selfish woman who thought she could have a family without a man I didn’t deserve to have a job at this school.

I am hurt 2 years later, I am scarred and damaged.  I don’t know if I will ever be the person I was or the person who I was going to become without that damage.  I have severe depression and anxiety because of being fired.  No one knows how bad it hurts.    It feels like my family and friends were ripped away and lied to.  When I was fired and decided to move back to Portland Father Steve told the congregation that I left my job because I wanted to be closer to my family.  What a lie – he should have told all of them the truth that I had been fired (would have been illegally if they weren’t a church) because I was single and pregnant.  Most of those families wouldn’t have known the truth if I hadn’t friended them on Facebook and announced it. 

Every time I get close to where I was – emotionally, financially, psychologically, I sabotage it somehow.  When I was working in an office – I sabotaged that job (unconsciously) because of Maggie being sick so often.  When I took a Head Start while I was pregnant – I had such bad anxiety because what if they found out I was pregnant and fired me?  What if they fired me because I went on maternity leave?  I could have had my mom take care of her but Maggie was sick a lot and she was not my mom’s burden.  When I went to Arizona – I was so homesick yet so close to being financially able to support Maggie and myself.  I came back to Oregon and took a job that paid significantly less and makes it so I cannot afford to support Maggie, but at least I am near my family and they can support us – emotionally, psychologically and sometimes financially.

Here is the price I paid for the reaction my employer had to decisions I made in my personal life:

-          Anxiety

-          Depression

-          I cry myself to sleep 2 years 2 months 16 days later.

It may sound easy to forgive those who have wronged me –

Rick – for not standing up to Father and saying that I was a good teacher who made a positive difference in the lives of the children I taught and coached.  For discussing me and my situation at Principal’s meetings – making it impossible for me to ever work in a Catholic school again.

Father Steve – for not having the understanding, compassion, willingness to see past a human’s faults and see that they are trying to reconcile what has happened.  For passing the buck to Rick – and making him fire me.  For lying to the parishioners of the church telling them that I had moved to Portland to be closer to my family – when really I moved back to Portland because I had no job, no way to support myself.  For taking the “matter” to the Bishops Council and getting a vote on what to do and how to handle me.

The parents who told Rick I was pregnant – what gave them the right to tell him I was pregnant?  I don’t even know who the “multiple parents” were.  I think one was a co-worker.

My one former Best Friend/Co-worker for betraying me in a way that hurt so deeply to the core that it has thus far made it impossible to make friends and even keep friends.  She made me not trust anyone except myself, my parents and Maggie.

                I am thankful for the people who stood by me – but 2 years 2 months and 16 days later, I have to wonder how much longer will they be in our life?  Are they permanent?  Are they temporary?  If they are temporary I don’t  want them around Maggie.  I don’t want her getting attached to them.  It isn’t fair to her.

Karma is a bitch - my only hope is that there isn't another victim

So the wicked, gave her resignation on Sunday. On Friday the Head of Human Resources for the Archdiocese informed her that her contract for next year would not be renewed. (Wonder if she has been black listed from Catholic Schools? Is it bad that I hope so?)

She pulled her kids from St. Mary's and said she is going to home school them - that will not go well.

She is setting up the principal to be her next victim - I want to warn him She has apparently made complaints that he created a hostile work environment, he apparently let some teachers pick on her (those teachers do need to be reprimanded - I complained about them when I was there). I am wondering how long until he resigns or is fired.

I am waiting for news of a lawsuit at this point because she has to have something up her sleeve. This isn't over. It seems like warning the principal to have his ass covered wouldn't go over well.

I am going to apply for her job Why not? At this point I would be a saving grace and the lesser of the evils probably. LOL!!

Bwhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

The Daddy question?

As we were laying down to take our nap today Maggie was chattering away in her toddler talk - she does this before falling asleep.  Suddenly, she pulled it together and ask where Nana was, Papa was, Dada was?  I was not expecting to have to answer this question or be asked this question by a 1year 11 month 10 day old.  I was shocked, but I think I handled it well - I told her that every family is different and that our family has a Mama and a Maggie for like a minute I felt like a failure as a parent that she doesn't have a Dad.  But, then I realized I do everything in my power to be the best mom I can be.  No matter what is happening in my own life - just me, just my word I hope that I keep that from effecting Maggie.

Sunriver

Yay! We are finally in Sunriver, today we spent most of the day driving - Maggie was a pretty good traveling companion but I can see that car trips further than this will not happen for a while. Unless she was asleep she was pretty miserable. I think it is a combination of being confined in the car seat - which gets hot, being almost 2 and entering the "terrible 2's stage" and probably just not feeling well. I got this awesome deal on LivingSocial.com for a weekend in Sunriver - we are in a 1 bedroom condo with a Murphy bed in the living room. We are right on the golf course it is beautiful. Lots of snow on the grass but not on the road - yay! Maggie has sure been growing lately - I am amazed at how well she can tell us that something hurts or doesn't feel well, she is also incredible at pretending. Sometimes it is hard to tell when she is pretending she will say - Mama why you hurt me? I will have been in the front seat driving so I was no where near her. It is pretty funny. She also does a lot of pretend play making food, serving it to people, playing with her baby dolls. Gotta run she is waking and it is only 4am.

I am completely and totally forgettable

Tonight I talked with my good friend Suzi she informed me that she had ran into out archnemisis Heather at the local community college career fair. Suzi is already an instructor there teaching Writing and English to Adult ESOL students. Suzi is fantastic!! I met Suzi at the Oregon Writing Project at Willamette University in the summer of 2009 when I got pregnant with Maggie. Heather was one of the people in charge of the program, I remember her showing me Suzi's application and telling me about Suzi. I remember thinking, I think I like Suzi. I hadn't even met her yet. Anyway, Heather approached Suzi and tried to make amends - you see many years ago Heather and Suzi were in a Masters program together where Heather tried to get Suzi kicked out (both Heather and Suzi have told me the same story.) Heather was a real b-i-t-c-h to Suzi. Suzi mentioned that I had told her that Suzi was accomplishing all of Heather's goals - getting her MFA, teaching at the college level, getting a book published. Heather was like Anne who? I don't know Anne. Suzi was like Anne (insert last name, Heather's response was oh that was an unfortunate situation. Eff you Heather!! I was in therapy before I had Maggie because of your complete betrayal of our friendship. I was devastated!! I am so glad to hear that I am unforgettable. Because every time I try to get pregnant again the horrible nightmares of our friendship come back. Seriously cannot believe that I am scarred by someone who didn't care at all, all you wanted was to promote your agenda. You suck as a friend, you suck as a woman, you suck as a teacher, you suck, you suck, you suck!!!

Facebook

I hate Facebook - after Maggie's birthday I am deactivating my account for a while. Honestly, I wish I could do it now but I can't because I organized her birthday party through there. Ugh! But I will only be checking in on Facebook once a week from here on, I am not going to waste my time and energy on it anymore. (At least that is what I feel right now - that can change.)----Paragraph break---- It is my own fault for hating Facebook, I have allowed it to consumer to much of my life. I feel like I live for my interactions on there and honestly - if I wasn't on Facebook I would have anything to do with any of the people on there. I would still be friends with some - sure, but for the most part the rest of them would just disappear. How sad is that? Are you someone who would just disappear? How important are our interactions on Facebook? If we weren't Facebook friends would you miss me?----Paragraph break---- I feel like this post should be titled "Facebook ruined my life; now what?" I was watching a show in MTV and there was a preview for a new show coming on and the host was asked the question; at what point does a relationship become Facebook official? The host was like, wow Mark Zuckerburg really fucked things up for us, didn't he? Heck yeah - or was it the fact that to many people became obsessed with the constant influx of peoples comments on what is happening in their lives.----Paragraph break---- I admit it I am an over poster - I post because I am bored, over stimulate, happy, proud, scared, sad, depressed... what a waste of time and emotions. I have shared happy moments, sad moments, depressed moments on there and most of the time gotten support that I needed in those times. But lately I wonder is it worth it?----Paragraph break---- When I deactivate my account - the only people who will know what is going on in my life are my parents, Maggie, co-workers. How sad is that? Deactivating my account will basically make my circle shrink even smaller. But hopefully it will make those relationships even more important. Seriously, when I wrote this I put paragraph breaks in!

Heather nightmares

**don't you dare reference this on Facebook!**

So, since I tried to get pregnant this month and still don't know if I am pregnant these horrible Heather nightmares have returned.

Heather was my best friend, she knew me better than anyone sale in the whole world. When I told her I was pregnant with Maggie she blabbed it to our other friend then ran and told our boss. Subsequently, I was fired for being single and pregnant.  I am amazed that with this attempt to get pregnant the nightmares returned, they never came with my previous attempts.

I thought that I had forgiven her but maybe on a subconscious level I will never be able to forgive that kind of a betrayal.

I am feeling a bit lost with how to deal with these nightmares.  I already went to counseling during maggies pregnancy to deal with this stuff, maybe every pregnancy brings it back up.  I guess its good I only want 2 kids.

7 dpo/dpi

Crampy, nauseated, same ms as with Maggie.

Tattoo

Yay! I got my tatto. I chose to have Margaret put on my right wrist in white ink. I love it.

seriously?

This morning I spoke with the custodian and asked him if he could install a drip pan on the fridge in our room. He said we would have to defrost it and turn it on its side. Fine whatever I know nothing about refrigerators. So I tell our health and safety coordinator what he said. She comes and looks at it and the drip pan is on the back of the fridge. We are all wondering where the water is coming from? Maybe the kids are overflowing the sink and keeping the carpet wet under the sink? Who knows. It is such a load of crap. Maggie slept much better last night, yay! Which also means that I slept better. I am going to get my "Margaret" tattoo on Friday, can't wait.

Things that make me happy (on the way to 100)

1.  Maggie's giggle
2.  Sam's kisses
3.  Hugs - real ones not side hugs
4.  Seeing children do something challenging
5.  Learning
6.  Listening to Maggie talk
7.  Spending time with my friends
8.  Going to Sun River
9.  Driving
10.  Driving in the snow
11.  Power tools - no one thinks I know how to use them - surprise!
12.  Picking Maggie up from school
13.  Seeing the world through Maggie's eyes
14.  Walking at Summer Lake Park
15.  Coloring with crayons
16.  Doing art projects with preschoolers
17.  Teaching Kindergarten
18.  Being a mom
19.  Creating books for Maggie
20.  Reading books to Maggie

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Friends

I have enough friends.  Sure it is always nice to add a few more.  But sometimes having friends is a pain in the butt, I love you guys but sometimes something just goes weird.

I have a friend who posts on almost everything I post on Facebook.  Fine, whatever.  Been going on for a few months, known the guys a long time.  Love him!! He is awesome.  Such a great friend.  But everyone is getting their nuts in a roar over his posts.  So they are all like, he likes you more than a friend.  I am like whatever, not that I would mind that.  I don't think he would ever like me like that.  He says he thinks of me as a sister - cool, I don't have the greatest relationships with my own brothers so it is nice having a guy around.  How our conversations go on Facebook - I can't imagine ever talking to my brother in such a way but whatever.  I guess that is why we aren't really related.  But anyway -  I have all of these friends feeding me these thoughts about this friend I start to wonder, what would that be like.  But I don't want to loose him as a friend - when no one else is there he is there,  he goes and does dorky kid stuff with Maggie and me that no one else will do.  He makes me laugh and smile.

I don't ever want to loose his friendship. 

At the same time, I would really love to be in a relationship, I would like to have someone who wants to hang out and do all the fun stuff that Maggie and I do.  Who will get up early on a Sunday just to go hang out at the Zoo. Someone that I can go do grown-up stuff with, instead of dragging Maggie with me. But, I suck at male/female relationships.  Hence the fact that I used a sperm donor to get pregnant.


Sometimes it is incredibly lonely to be Maggie and Me, we obviously have each other but that is it - no one else. Okay, not no one else because my parents are here.  But on the weekends they don't usually want to do the things we want to do, they have their own plans and things they want to do.

I am heading to Sun River March 9-11 I have a 1 bedroom plus loft condo rented.  It will be nice - but not sure who is going with me.  The girlfriends I took with me last spring are no longer friends.  :(

Fun, fun, fun

Life is good.  We just purchased our Zoo membership which means every Sunday at 9am Maggie and I will be back at the Zoo.  I love it!!  Can't wait to go tomorrow!!  We have 2 guest passes each trip so if someone wants to go with us all they have to do is let me know.  It is a fun year because we also have memberships to OMSI and The Children's Museum.  My most favorite by far is the zoo - fresh air, animals, and exercise.

I ordered sperm to be delivered next week.  Exciting and nerve wracking at the same time.  Exciting because I want to have 2 children and give Maggie the chance to have a sibling.  Nerve wracking because of the infinite unknowns.

I tm so tired...

I can't wait for this school year to be over. I am exhausted by the constant allergies, sinus infections and exhaustion brought on by working in my classroom.

I can't switch rooms because the other morning teacher is pregnant and I don't want to jeopardize her health or her babies health.  I guess if I end up pregnant at the end of this month then I will have to move to another site. Blah!

My allergies are trying to kill me

I have been complaining about them all winter. We discovered about 10 days ago that there is a serious mold problem in my classroom.  It still has not been taken care of.  My asthma is kicking up, which really sucks.

I turned 32 this week, I think I am going to try to get pregnant next month. It would give me a due date of October 31, moms birthday. Any objections?

Tomorrow is the beginning

blah - tomorrow it is back to the grind.  I am teaching 2 classes which is a lot harder than you think.  Teaching once class is exhausting - so teaching 2 will probably be killer.  I am praying that I can keep it up until June 14th.  If not I will just stop teaching one of the classes and teach my morning class only.

Still hoping to have someone join me for my birthday dinner, but I am used to eating by myself.  I am going to a restaurant that has a no feet on the table policy - no kids allowed!  This is all about adult time, which I never get unless I am at work or at school - not as much fun.