When I was fired from my teaching job I was hurt – I was hurt so deeply the scar still bleeds.  I loved teaching there; I loved my co-workers, the children I taught and coached and all their families.  It was all ripped away from me because I was selfish and wanted a child of my own.  I had seen families grow over my two years at this school and I wanted the same for me.  I never thought that I was being selfish, I was afraid that by the time someone came along who I would want to marry I would be too old to have children.  I wanted nothing more in my life than to have children of my own and be a teacher.

I didn’t feel that I was being selfish, and I still don’t think I was being selfish but that is how it felt when I was fired – that because I was a selfish woman who thought she could have a family without a man I didn’t deserve to have a job at this school.

I am hurt 2 years later, I am scarred and damaged.  I don’t know if I will ever be the person I was or the person who I was going to become without that damage.  I have severe depression and anxiety because of being fired.  No one knows how bad it hurts.    It feels like my family and friends were ripped away and lied to.  When I was fired and decided to move back to Portland Father Steve told the congregation that I left my job because I wanted to be closer to my family.  What a lie – he should have told all of them the truth that I had been fired (would have been illegally if they weren’t a church) because I was single and pregnant.  Most of those families wouldn’t have known the truth if I hadn’t friended them on Facebook and announced it. 

Every time I get close to where I was – emotionally, financially, psychologically, I sabotage it somehow.  When I was working in an office – I sabotaged that job (unconsciously) because of Maggie being sick so often.  When I took a Head Start while I was pregnant – I had such bad anxiety because what if they found out I was pregnant and fired me?  What if they fired me because I went on maternity leave?  I could have had my mom take care of her but Maggie was sick a lot and she was not my mom’s burden.  When I went to Arizona – I was so homesick yet so close to being financially able to support Maggie and myself.  I came back to Oregon and took a job that paid significantly less and makes it so I cannot afford to support Maggie, but at least I am near my family and they can support us – emotionally, psychologically and sometimes financially.

Here is the price I paid for the reaction my employer had to decisions I made in my personal life:

-          Anxiety

-          Depression

-          I cry myself to sleep 2 years 2 months 16 days later.

It may sound easy to forgive those who have wronged me –

Rick – for not standing up to Father and saying that I was a good teacher who made a positive difference in the lives of the children I taught and coached.  For discussing me and my situation at Principal’s meetings – making it impossible for me to ever work in a Catholic school again.

Father Steve – for not having the understanding, compassion, willingness to see past a human’s faults and see that they are trying to reconcile what has happened.  For passing the buck to Rick – and making him fire me.  For lying to the parishioners of the church telling them that I had moved to Portland to be closer to my family – when really I moved back to Portland because I had no job, no way to support myself.  For taking the “matter” to the Bishops Council and getting a vote on what to do and how to handle me.

The parents who told Rick I was pregnant – what gave them the right to tell him I was pregnant?  I don’t even know who the “multiple parents” were.  I think one was a co-worker.

My one former Best Friend/Co-worker for betraying me in a way that hurt so deeply to the core that it has thus far made it impossible to make friends and even keep friends.  She made me not trust anyone except myself, my parents and Maggie.

                I am thankful for the people who stood by me – but 2 years 2 months and 16 days later, I have to wonder how much longer will they be in our life?  Are they permanent?  Are they temporary?  If they are temporary I don’t  want them around Maggie.  I don’t want her getting attached to them.  It isn’t fair to her.