As hard as it is right now...

I feel horrible for my friend who is going through a seperation.  She is left hanging, doesn't know if she can move forward or if she has to stay where she is - she is in limbo.

Yes, I am having a hard time this depression funk is horrible.  I am supposed to start a new med next Thursday but I may not be able to start the med.  If I get the job in Arizona I can't start the med, so that makes it tricky.  I could go on the meds that I have here and be okay or wait and see.  It is so hard.

I feel lucky compared to her right now, and that makes me feel bad. 

I hate depression...

I am in such a funk it isn't even funny. So depressed.   I am supposed to enter a study for a new anti-depressant but won't get the meds until next week.  Honestly,  not sure I can wait that long.  I feel like I should be on the meds sooner rather than later.  Maybe, I should just start back on the Zoloft and skip the research meds.  Because, the most important thing is that I am in a good place mentally, right?

I think the right thing for me is to go on the Zoloft now and pull out of the study.  The meds help me to focus which should help me with my interview next week.

If you can only count on one person some of the time, what's the difference between one and zero?

So the only person I can count on is my mom and I can only count on her sometimes with enough advanced notice.  She has to take care of my two grandmas.  So if I move to Arizona what will the difference be?  If I give my mom enough notice she could maybe come down. 

What the hell am I supposed to do?  Maggie and I are all alone in this world.

This is me asking for help...

I need someone to take Maggie to swimming lessons next Tuesday-Wednesday from 4:30-6:00pm. No one is responding.  Does that make me want to stay here?  No, because if I move to Arizona no one can take here there so what is the difference?  None.

It's amazing what a baby does to youf riendships - good and bad

When I go pregnant and told my BFF and her husband he stopped talking to me he had something against single mothers.  We were pregnant at the same time and threw each others baby showers.  After the babies were born we have seen each other 4 times in 15 months.  I feel that I am at the point where I am prepared to cut her from my life, I don't have the energy to waste on her and her lack of interest in my life anymore.  We saw each other today and she talked about herself the whole time.  She never asked about me, never checked on me, and obviously doesn't really care. 

Swimming!!

Maggie has taken two session of swimming.  She swam everyday last week and will continue swimming every day until we move or summer ends.  She is growing and changing so much.  She has figured out how to float on her back, she is working on blowing bubbles.  She loves doing the front glide.  I am so impressed with her ability to be relaxed in the pool.  Her swim instructor is a different one that we have had in the past.  She really wants us to work with Maggie on blowing bubbles.  Yay! 

Come on Arizona

The State of Oregon sucks!!!!

I cannot believe how horribly they treat teachers. 

I haven't taught since June 2010 - when I subbed.  But, I am still considered a teacher so the Unemployment Department has to see if I qualify for unemployment.  Because all teachers have the opportunity to teach in the fall whether they have a contract or not.  So potentially some or all of of my unemployment benefits will be taken away for the summer. 

I am currently not receiving benefits while the research this - and since the school districts just laid off thousands of teachers they have to research each teacher and approve or deny them benefits.  It could be weeks of me living on $1.59. 

Bills I have to pay with $1.59

Car Insurance $444.59
Life Insurance    35.00
Cell Bill            189.75
Car Payment     400.00

some how I just don't think my $1.59 will cover these bills.  Bye-bye car, not sure what will happen to the cell phones, guess I will have to cancel my life insurance (that doesn't sound good).

Surprise Interview

While at swimming lessons today I got a phone call from Holbrook Unified School District in Holbrook Arizona.  They were wondering if I am interested in a 6th grade teaching position.  I called back did a quick interview with the principal and scheduled another interview for 2pm with him and one of the other 6th grade teachers. 

That interview went really well.  They want me to come to Holbrook for a formal interview and to see the area, make sure I would wan to live there.  Yeah!!  They said that I sound like the person they are looking for, for the position.  It seems really hard for me to imagine teaching 6th grade at a Junior High.  But I never thought I would teach Kindergarten, and I loved it so maybe this is the same thing.  I did teach 6th grade for my student teaching. Hmmmm...

So now, I am making plans to fly to Arizona and visit this school as well as a few others.  I hope to visit Bullhead City as well as the Navajo and Apache reservations before I make a decision.

The taste of lavender...

The taste of lavender, makes me melt.
The taste of lavender, beings back memories memories from the summer I got pregnant.
The taste of lavender, evokes memories of walking in fields of purple lavender. 
The taste of lavender, makes me want to be pregnant, again.
The taste of lavender, makes me feel whole.
The taste of lavender, makes me feel warm.
The taste of lavender, makes me feel happy - for an instant.

I have never had so many...

interviews for teaching in a year!!

Sanders, Arizona - Navajo Reservation Teacher
White River, AZ - Whiteriver Apache Reservation - 4th Grade
Bullhead City, Az - K, 1, 2 or 4
Thoman Ranch Rural Elementary School - 1 room school house with one student in 5th grade - In Wyoming

Granted that 3 out of 4 of these teaching positions are really close to the middle of no-where.  But it is still really exciting.

The Arizona Department of Education has either the slowest mail department or the US Postal Service lost my mail.  I sent my transcripts and fingerprint identification card two weeks ago - they still haven't recieved them.  So I had to go purchase new transcripts and send them again this time with a Signature required!!  $120 for my Arizona License, $60 for fingerprints, $20 for my fingerprints to be taken - $200 and hopefully I will get a teaching job.

Wyoming charges $250 for an initial out of state teaching license plus $50 for fingerprints, $20 for my fingerprints to be taken - $320 for a hopeful job.  I am not buying this license until after my interview.

Just waiting, waiting, waiting for a job offer.

Rash and Benadryl; Arizona

Took Maggie to the dr. yesterday, she was covered in a horrible looking rash - one would think it had to itch.  But I never saw her scratch it.  He thought it was a virus, I think it is an allergic reaction to Miralax - he increased her dose to 3 cap fulls a day, on Monday.  So her system was completely flooded with it.  She is starting to look better today, but she has had a few doses of Benadryl.  I think that may have been what helped her sleep through the night last night.  Which sucks I wish she would just sleep through the night on her own, I refuse to drug my child so they sleep.

We also are going cold turkey with no bottles.  She can have a straw-sippy cup or her Nuk sippy cup in her bed and they won't leak.  When she asks for a baba I offer her one of these we have only been doing this since last night at bedtime but so far so good.  The challenge will come when Grandpa comes home on Friday night, he get stuck in habits and may try to give her a bottle.

Looking for a job this morning while she sleeps, nothing exciting looking. 

I am pretty annoyed with Arizona Department of Education they are taking forever to process my teaching license which decreases my chances of finding a teaching job there and makes it a waste of $120 that I even applied for my license.  On top of that I should have just applied for my Elementary Teaching License which covers K-8 down there but no I stupidly only applied for my Early Childhood License.  Ugh!!  So now I need to send them another $60 to have them transfer my Elementary License before July 1, 2011 when they will make it so that their teachers are required to have a reading endorsement.

Arizona Interview #3 - Whiteriver AZ

I had a telephone interview for a 4th grade position on the Whiteriver Indian Reservation at Whiteriver Elementary School.  I think it went really well, the school seems to have a lot of the same systems implemented in their classrooms that I use.  Yay!! 

Whiteriver Indian Reservation is in Northeastern Arizona.  Which is a little better location than the Navajo reservation.  I Whiteriver is about 50 miles from the closest Wal-Mart whereas the Navajo job is about 150 miles from a Wal-Mart.  

I have (or it should be in the mail today) my Arizona teaching license but I only transferred half of my license to Arizona the Birth - Third Grade part.  So if they are interested in me I will have to pay $60 more and get my Elementary Teaching license (Fourth - Eighth grade.)

I am glad that I am getting interviews, it sucks that they are so far away from my family but Maggie and I will be okay.

New Recipe for Maggie -

TODDLER "MC-MUFFIN"
12 eggs (yes, you can freeze cooked eggs!)
12 English muffins
12 slices of cheese (American or light cheddar)
12 turkey or 100% natural pork sausages (round)

Fry the eggs individually (using a round pancake "cutter" will keep the egg shaped) Fry 3 at a time so that you can toast and prepare the English Muffins –
butter toasted English Muffins and prepare with slice of cheese and sausage. Put the cheese over the sausage to help melting.
Once eggs are fried, transfer egg to English Muffin on top of the cheese and sausage and close the sandwich.

Repeat until you have 12 Toddler "McMuffins". Freeze and thaw before warming.

I can't remember which website I found this recipe on.

I spent like 40 minutes making these tonight.  Froze all but one, the one is for Maggie's breakfast tomorrow.  Hope she likes them, I left the cheese off because of her milk product sensitivities.

Blah!

Yay!  It is Saturday.  Boo the weekend is halfway over.  We went garage sailing today, hit up a subdivision in Wilsonville that was having it's annual garage sale.  The only thing I purchased was a Nartaje dress.  I love their dresses they are pretty and soft.  I buy whatever size I find, when I find them.  I figure I know how to save them in the next size up boxes.  Maggie's clothes take up half a room, those are the clothes that don't fit anymore.  I only have like one box of clothes that are to big.  Because she keeps growing.  Now she is wearing 18 month clothes for the most part., and some of those she is outgrowing.  I have her in 24 month dresses so that the dresses cover her bottom.

We are going to be taking diapers back to Costco and moving up a size.  I think she is going to be in a size 5, the size 4's just don't cover her butt so up a size we go.  Size 4 are 22-37 pounds she only weighs like 24 pounds.  But these have been leaking so we need more coverage.

Am I the only one who feels like this?

I love Maggie!!  I can't imagine my life without her.  She is a wonderful, smart, inquisitive little girl.

This is about me not her...
There are times where I am just so overwhelmed.  I ask for help but no one seems to listen.  Or I should say the people who do listen live like 70+ miles from me and I need to drive to them for them to help me.  When I decided to get pregnant I had a pro/con list for moving home or staying in Stayton (before I lost my job there) and all the pros were for me staying there.  I had a larger support system, my friends all lived there, they supported me in my decision to become a mom.  And yet, the minute I lost my job I ran back to Portland.

I feel so exhausted, I feel like a horrible mom. I know this is the toughest time in a child's development  they understand words but can't say many yet so they get frustrated.  I am frustrated with where we live and all the dangers that no one cares about.  I can't wait to get in our own place it is  either going to be easier or harder.  Easier because I will have complete control over safety.  Harder because any help I do get during the week will be gone, but it should be okay because I will be working and Maggie will be in daycare.  So I won't be in this stay at home mom position.

My mom has told me how hare of a time she had when we were little and I know why - because she never got a break.  She was a stay at home mom, she rarely got a babysitter and that was at night.  She needed more help.  She needed to put us into daycare or something even one day a week.  I get that it is expensive but seriously she needed it, I need it.

It is ridiculously hard to look for a job while I have Maggie with me.  The minute I find a job to apply for she starts getting into trouble and I have to shut the computer and run after her.  I try to get applications in everyday and I do a pretty good job but it is frustrating. 

I am licensed to teach in Arizona so I have been applying like crazy there.  Hoping that one of my applications or interviews will turn out to be the one.  I have applied for 20 jobs in Arizona in the last two days, plus I have the other 2 jobs that I have already interviewed for.  I know that the principal in Bullhead City has contacted my references, that is a good sign - no principal would waste their time contacting references if they didn't plan on hiring you.

Happy March, err I mean June!!!

My life is all about.....poop, right now

Yep, poop!  Maggie is constipated bad!

I had to take her to the dr today because it has been so bad.  We are now on a pooping schedule, with a laxative schedule as well.  Poor kid.  She has no clue what is coming.

I didn't get the job in Glenns Ferry, Id.  Which is sad because I sure could have used that money for something else.  It costed me about $250 to drive there and back and spend the night.  I don't really have that money to just throw away :(  It was a pretty town I wouldn't have minded living there.

Still hoping and praying for Arizona.  The rest of my paperwork is being mailed tomorrow.  Fingers crossed.

Rose Festival Star Light Parade 2011

Maggie and I had a great time at the Rose Festival Star Light Parade.  Our friend Tamera organized it, it was a lot of fun. The weather was awesome!!! 

I have never been so shocked by the people of Portland, but I think I heard that the people sitting behind us weren't actually from Portland.  Thank God!  They were horrible, they way they talked to and treated their children.  They should be ashamed.  It was totally and completely uncalled for.  The dad was a complete jack ass and the mom was just as bad.

The family to the right of us brought a 6 week old baby to the parade.  Crazy!  That baby screamed through a good portion of the parade.  In general the parade was loud, there were floats with loud music, and marching bands.  Not sure who in the world thinks it is a good idea to take an infant to a parade.

Maggie loved being there, we took her pack n play so she had a safe place to be confined.  The loved walking up and down the road seeing all the people.  It was very fun.  We also got to see Maggie's Aunt Randa's family, her sisters were there with their children.  Maggie totally gravitated towards them and tried to play with the kids.  It was very cute.

We left the parade at like 11:15ish, luckily I parked right behind where we sat so I didn't have to haul our stuff very far.  We were home around midnight.  8am came quickly this morning when I was greeted with an equally exhausted baby girl.

Exhaustion

Maggie decided this week she would stay up until 10 or 10:30pm. No naps. I finally got her to sleep by driving her around. But, when we got home she woke up before she was in the crib. I didn't get any rest, it was a go-go-go kind of week.  My mom did take Maggie to my grandma this afternoon so I could rest. I had a horrible headache and body aches.

I am hopeful that I will be able to get a nap in this weekend.

Here's to sleeping through the night an not waking up to wet sheets.

Heard myself say...

It's always so scary going down you never know what to expect.

Trying to post from my phone

I hope this works.

Yesterday, was Maggie's last day of daycare

So yesterday, was Maggie's last day of school.  It was so sad for her teachers and me.  Maggie has been doing so awesome at school, she has developed and blossomed in the last 9 months.  Yes, I know that is to be expected because that is what happens when someone grows from 5 months old to 14 months old.  But I really give her daycare credit for all the things she can do.  She spent 9 hours a day there, they really have been raising her.

I hope that someday she will be able to go back. 

Now, she is home with me 24/7 I can only hope that I do as good of a job as they have.