overwhelming

So I am technically bored out of my mind.  But I have a ton of stuff to do like - baby proof, baby proof, baby proof, laundry, laundry and more laundry.

We spent the afternoon with Miranda and that was super fun.  We went and got Maggie's pictures taken for Christmas  - super cute.  Just trying to beat the rush.  We went to Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch it was good.  Loved their onion rings.

I am just trying to avoid the things have to do.  I wish I lived in my own house or even apartment.  I appreciate my parents for letting Maggie and I live here for a while but I miss my freedom.  I miss not having to worry about anyone aside from myself and Maggie.  Right now in order to baby proof I have to completely clean the house.  No easy feat if you have visited my parents house.  I think it would be easier to move.  Except that right now I just can't afford that.  Maybe I should just one of those play yards and focus on keeping that clean and organized?

Ugh!  Okay still avoiding so I am going to bed.

So...

I miss being pregnant.  I miss having Maggie with me all the time.  When I was pregnant someone told me that this (my pregnancy) was the only time I would have her with me all the time, and that is so true.  Someone in our office announced her pregnancy today and I had a feeling it was coming - I don't think she is the only one here who is pregnant.  But I really miss those moments where I could feel her move while I was teaching.  Now we are seperated by miles sometimes.  I can't wait to get to daycare to see her, she is always so excited to see me.

I can't wait for my ESOL program to be done hopefully it will open doors to teaching again and the sooner the better.  I want to have another baby and yes I will wait but I am looking forward to those 9 months again.  I know it will be different but right now Ia= am looking forward to that.

Maggie is growing like a weed!  She is crawling all around the floor and pulling up on furniture when she can get to it without an intereception.  Sam likes to walk over her and his stride right now is just long enough he doesn't touch her with anything but a whisper but at the rate she is growing that won't last long.

We need a vacation.  I am thinking we should go visit someone in Hawaii.  I don't know - now is the time to travel Maggie is free to fly - maybe if we can get cheap airfare we will go somewhere.

Love or Money???

That question can refer to a lot of thing; choosing love of another over money or vice verse, choosing a career that bring you income over a career that brings you less income but love.

I love teaching!  I am a great teacher and I firmly believe that I make a difference in the life of every child I teach.  I want to teach so badly - even if that means joining the ranks of teachers aides (who I know make as big of a difference because they can be awesome) to get my foot in the door at a school.

Money - I don't make as much money as I was making when I got pregnant in July 2009.  I based my ability to financially afford parenting on that income.  I knew I could afford to do it then.  After I lost my job the financial stability was gone.  I am working now and it is full time but essentially 1 full pay check each month and part of the next paycheck go to pay for Maggie's daycare.  I love her daycare so I am okay with that.  I live with my parents so we don't have a ton of expenses but I would really, really love to move out soon.  The funds just aren't there to do that.

If I was to take a job as a classroom aide at a private school (because that would be my best chance of getting hired) I would make about half of what I make now - but in my experience if would help me fill self-fulfilled.  (Yes, parenting is fulfilling, but I spend 1 hour a day with Maggie - so at this point i am not really parenting.)  As an aide I would get filled up by working with students, which would give me more energy for Maggie and more time for Maggie.  I would be done with work and back to her by 3:45 each day, where as right nor I am back to her by 5:45 each day.  It would also give me time to work on my studies and just make me a happier person.

Ugh!!!  It is so hard to balance what is right for me verses what is right for Maggie and me.  If it is good for Mama is it good for baby?

What is the male equivelent of getting your period?

Because I think they must get off pretty easy.  I want to tell every dr or nurse who told me "Don't worry after you have a baby your cramps will be non-existent."  They lied - these stupid cramps start the day before!  WTF!!!  Seriously!!!

Anyway, sorry for my very personal rant.  Work was good today, I am sure it will be good tomorrow.  I get to go in early on Friday 6:15am and then leave early though I think I might ask to trade that for Monday morning so I can go to the dr.  hopefully I can find a dr to get into.  I called to get a dr. appointment today and my dr can't see me until November 2nd!!!  A month!  Ugh!!!

The Lights of my life:

Depression--thank you Geck Family

I have struggled on and off throughout my life with depression.  I had a major bout of depression and major anxiety during my pregnancy.  I thought I was doing alright for the past 6 months - but in the last tow days it has hit me like a ton of bricks.  I know that my hormones are majorly fluctuating right now and that makes me a walking nightmare but this is different and it  feels like the fog of depression.  It might be postpartum depression - I think it is a bunch of factors all hitting at once - hormones evening out from pregnancy - residue from loosing my teaching job - learning a new job - being hard on myself - just general life junk landing on my shoulders all at once time.

I will be okay but for a while it isn't going to be easy.  I can't afford to take time off from work to go to the dr. - I already have to take time off to take Maggie to the dr. who has time to take myself to the dr.

I feel like running away and joing the circus...

Today wasn't so bad.  I decided to not get a new-used car and stick with what I have.  Just means that we will have to take 2 cars when we go places with other people :(

I got a new camera - a DSLR  it is nice but boy is it weird.  My other DSLR is a film camera and I haven't used in since 2003.  I forget how it takes two hands to operate.  Obviously I knew this but doing is it awkward.  I love it and it takes great photos - downside no video - I got it at Costco so I might take it back to get the one with Video I don't know - I used my little point and shoot a lot for filming Maggie's milestones.

Work was good today - I was on a pretty good roll. :) 

Worked on my homework from school and got a ton done.  Now I just hope I did it right.  I am not loving the teacher I have she has no sense of humor, and doesn't get me, plus she confuses the heck out of us as we are working our way through this class.  Only one more class then we start the next one which is every week!  Yay!

There are days where I hate my life...

Today is one of them.  I need a car that will fit the baby and the dog comfortably.  Do I find one, no!  I am annoyed.  And, I can only really look on the weekends when my dad is home but he wasn't much help this weekend.  It is depressing, and maybe there are other issues that are making me depressed.  But right now I am unhappy with where my life as gone.  I love Maggie and I am so glad that I have her but I regret moving back home when I got pregnant, I wish I hadn't acted rashly when I decided that.  I wish that the job market didn't suck so much for teachers so that I could be working in an industry that I am passionate about instead of indifferent about.

A lot of wishing isn't getting me anywhere.  But I don't want to be a single mom who gets stuck in a rut.