a more appropriate response would have been...

I need a day off so I can go to the dr. and get on anti-depressants.  Because I am so depressed it isn't even funny.  Instead of I want to give my two weeks notice.

I cannot ever take time off for myself because Maggie requires all my sick leave.  She gets sick like every frigging week.  Which is depressing, that doesn't really help with the overall depression I have been dealing with.

I am trying to decide if I should say something tomorrow and try to get my job back.  It isn't like I said anything bad about my job or the people I work with.  Just that I wanted to give my notice and that I had the opportunity to work part time which would be more beneficial for Maggie's and all her illnesses.

Being a single mom is way more overwhelming than I ever thought it would be.  I am sure part of that is being fired, unemployed, going to work part time returning to work at 1 week after my c-section, blah, blah, blah.

So I quit my job today...

Yep, I did it.  I quit my job.  I don't think my boss was surprised maybe she was even a little relieved.

I am going to work for two weeks then start working for the CPA firm I worked for in college.  Maggie will stop going to daycare. I am excited and scared all at the same time.

I am going to make almost the same amount of money when we take into consideration that I am no longer paying out $981 for day care and $200 for parking.

But it is still scary.  But it will be okay.

and, yet another year that I hate the holidays

I think that it is time to find friends to spend the holidays with because my family is not cutting it.  Every year I tell my mom - you need to get the tradtitions you want carried on started now.

When were little - we went to our Grandma's house on Christmas eve, all the aunts and uncles would buy for the kids and the grown-ups would draw names.  We had a big potluck and it was so much fun spending the evening with cousins.

2003 both my Grandpa's died and all family traditions ceased. 

Here is what Maggie's First Christmas Consisted of:

Christmas Eve  we went and got take out Pizza at Round Table - because Maggie couldn't go to any family functions due to her vomiting and diarrhea.  Came home, ate dinner went to bed.

Christmas Day - woke up at 7:45am, got dressed woke up Grandma and Grandpa to open presents.  We were done around 9:00am.  Called the dr and went in to get checked out (due to her being sick for almost a week.)  Came home had coffee cake, Grandma and Grandpa went and took naps.  Around 2pm we woke them up because we could and the day was sucking big time.  I fell asleep around 3pm.  Woke up around 5pm.  Had cream of wheat for dinner.  What a disappointment.

There was really no excitement, nothing special except for Maggie.

So - time to find friends and make plans with them at Christmas time - I believe it takes a village to raise a child just hoping that our village will help me out. :( 

Exhausted

I am exhausted - all I can do is take care of Maggie and veg and that is exhausting to me.

Maggie has been sick, then I caught it.  I was over in within 24 hours hers is going on for days.  I think it has to be really bad when your almost 9 month old baby has been vomiting and having diarrhea for a week.  But apparently not so much.  The dr is not so worried.  Granted this is the dr who misdiagnosed Maggie when she had sepsis from a UTI. So I guess I know better than him.  Hmmm...

I need like five hours of nap.  Uninterrupted, but I don't see that happening until they knock me out next Wednesday for my carpel tunnel surgery.

I guess that since Maggie is asleep I should go join her.  Time for bed.

Maggie is sick...

So on Monday I took Maggie to the dr. she was just acting kind of off. Turns out
she had an ear infection. The dr. made a side comment "Has she started
vomiting, yet?" I said no. Fast forward about 2 hours she starts vomiting.
Diarrhea not to long after that. We went back to the dr yesterday because this
had been going on since Monday. I had called on Tuesday when she was vomiting
after every drink. They put her on Zofran (anti-nausea) at that point. So she
took her Zofran, if she isn't on Zofran at this point she is throwing up. She
hasn't had a fever and I am vigilant about checking.

Our pediatrician (yesterdays visit) told us to call today with a poop and vomit
count. I called at 12:30, their office had just closed for the day (wish I had
known they were closing early, blame it on sleep deprivation.) I had to wait
for the dr on call, (a dr. who misdiagnosed Maggie the day before she ended up
in the hospital.) He called almost 2 hours after I had called (I called back
and put in another notice for him to call.) He finally calls back and after
hearing the background on what is going on said lets wait until tomorrow, call
tomorrow before 9am and tell them what has happened.

Tonight she starts vomiting (to much time between Zofran I guess thats another
story). So I call and say she is still vomiting (I know I didn't wait but she
threw up 5 times in the last two hours), it has been over an hour and I haven't
heard from the dr.

I am so frustrated. Maggie is sick, she has lost wait and if she keeps the
liquid down (liquid diet) it comes flying out the other in.

Advice? I don't know what to do. I feel like a neurotic parent, maybe this
seems worse to me than it really is.

So this is an FYI for parents at last weeks gathering (sorry), and a plea for
advice.

Gray Hair!!!! On a redhead

yes, it was discovered in the bathroom mirror yesterday at work.  My beautiful red hair is turning gray - I guess we can chalk that up to having a baby.

So I am 30, a single mom, and have gray hair.  Guess I am surely going to die single.  Not that it matters that much I don't plan on getting married but I would love to be in a relationship with someone who loved me.   I miss cuddling...

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Today is Maggie's first Thanksgiving.  The beginning of her first holiday season.  Not sure that she will get to experience the madness of Black Friday - though I know I will.  Found a great deal on a swing set at Toys R Us, and a little push/walker car thing, I will be heading there tonight at 10pm.  Tomorrow at 4am I will be in line at JC Penny - does JCP have lines in the morning? 

I think it will be easier to leave her sleeping at home where her Grandpa can take care of her when she wakes up. I fully expect to be home by 7am.  The only store for Friday is JC Penny.  I am kind of glad that TRU is opening tonight.  Oops, I forgot that we will make the mad dash to BRU to pick up wipes.  I love their $5 wipes.  Buy three put them in the car go back in. ;)

I am tired...

of the drama.  I tell my story a hundred times a week and fifty of those times I get the well you should have known better speech from the religious people and the other fifty I get a lot of support.  I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for support and understanding.

ready, ready to run...okay I am just ready for Maggie to feel better

It never occurred to me that Maggie was born with a birth defect until this week.  I guess I always thought of it as just being a temporary problem.  But as I was explaining Maggie's Urinary Tract problems to my bosses I realized that in fact it is a birth defect.  That makes me wonder then what I did wrong when I was pregnant, is it because I drank a few cokes? or took anti-depressants? or was just generally anxious and depressed did those things have an effect on her development?

It was a long week, Tuesday started with us in the ER with Maggie having a hi fever and her fever continued to bother us for the next 2 days.  Today (Friday) she finally seems to have kicked it.  Took her to daycare today, yay!

It is incredibly frustrating because I lost 2 days of work (my mom watched Maggie for one of the three days) along with the loss of the daycare we had already paid for.  That is a loss of approximately $500. 

I have always thought it was wrong for parents to send their kids to school or daycare when they are really sick - like more than just a cold.  Obviously someone sent their kids to school sick because Maggie got sick, I don't think that parents think about the impact of their actions on others or they just don't care.  I guess I care to much I wouldn't want Maggie getting someone else sick.  Yet, Maggie's teacher talks fo kids who are sent to school loaded up on Tylenol when the tylenol waers off their fevers spike and then they get sent home.  After they have contaminated every other kd in the school and the teachers.  Makes me loose faith in people.

I HATE daylight savings time!!!!!

When they came up with this concept I am sure a man did it and I am sure he said lets screw up all the little kids.  We kept Maggie up til 8:15 last night but she was up at 5am this morning.  Ugh!  She went to sleep at 5:15pm tonight.  This is going to be a fun week!!

I am so tired, and feel like crap - I either have the worlds worst allergies or a cold.  I thought it was allergies because of the change of seasons and all the mold and crap in the back yard.  But maybe it isn't, maybe it is a cold.

I am freaking out a little bit I have a few vials of my sperm donor on ice but now I am thinking I don't have enough.  I wish I could see into the future and know exactly when I would get pregnant and just do it then.  Instead of all the tracking and chance taking that may happen.  So I might buy two more vials. 

Good Night!

Started baby prooing...

but the drill died after the second crew.  I was installing the little door lock things to keep the cupboards closed and free of little hands.  I got it half way installed and the drill died.  That was Saturday night.  That is as far as I got.

So I sent her a letter today, the one who helped to ruin my life.  It was more of an e-mail.  Basically asking why.  I hope she responds because it means she isn't such a bad person.  If she doesn't respond then I wonder what the heck was thinking being friends with her.

I am in a totally weird place with all of my friends.  So I know it is me and I can't get out of this little funk.  ugh!  I don't feel depressed right now, I feel good mentally and emotionally but I am acting weird and I don't know why.  Sorry guys!

Okay, I am running away from home.  (just kidding)

overwhelming

So I am technically bored out of my mind.  But I have a ton of stuff to do like - baby proof, baby proof, baby proof, laundry, laundry and more laundry.

We spent the afternoon with Miranda and that was super fun.  We went and got Maggie's pictures taken for Christmas  - super cute.  Just trying to beat the rush.  We went to Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch it was good.  Loved their onion rings.

I am just trying to avoid the things have to do.  I wish I lived in my own house or even apartment.  I appreciate my parents for letting Maggie and I live here for a while but I miss my freedom.  I miss not having to worry about anyone aside from myself and Maggie.  Right now in order to baby proof I have to completely clean the house.  No easy feat if you have visited my parents house.  I think it would be easier to move.  Except that right now I just can't afford that.  Maybe I should just one of those play yards and focus on keeping that clean and organized?

Ugh!  Okay still avoiding so I am going to bed.

So...

I miss being pregnant.  I miss having Maggie with me all the time.  When I was pregnant someone told me that this (my pregnancy) was the only time I would have her with me all the time, and that is so true.  Someone in our office announced her pregnancy today and I had a feeling it was coming - I don't think she is the only one here who is pregnant.  But I really miss those moments where I could feel her move while I was teaching.  Now we are seperated by miles sometimes.  I can't wait to get to daycare to see her, she is always so excited to see me.

I can't wait for my ESOL program to be done hopefully it will open doors to teaching again and the sooner the better.  I want to have another baby and yes I will wait but I am looking forward to those 9 months again.  I know it will be different but right now Ia= am looking forward to that.

Maggie is growing like a weed!  She is crawling all around the floor and pulling up on furniture when she can get to it without an intereception.  Sam likes to walk over her and his stride right now is just long enough he doesn't touch her with anything but a whisper but at the rate she is growing that won't last long.

We need a vacation.  I am thinking we should go visit someone in Hawaii.  I don't know - now is the time to travel Maggie is free to fly - maybe if we can get cheap airfare we will go somewhere.

Love or Money???

That question can refer to a lot of thing; choosing love of another over money or vice verse, choosing a career that bring you income over a career that brings you less income but love.

I love teaching!  I am a great teacher and I firmly believe that I make a difference in the life of every child I teach.  I want to teach so badly - even if that means joining the ranks of teachers aides (who I know make as big of a difference because they can be awesome) to get my foot in the door at a school.

Money - I don't make as much money as I was making when I got pregnant in July 2009.  I based my ability to financially afford parenting on that income.  I knew I could afford to do it then.  After I lost my job the financial stability was gone.  I am working now and it is full time but essentially 1 full pay check each month and part of the next paycheck go to pay for Maggie's daycare.  I love her daycare so I am okay with that.  I live with my parents so we don't have a ton of expenses but I would really, really love to move out soon.  The funds just aren't there to do that.

If I was to take a job as a classroom aide at a private school (because that would be my best chance of getting hired) I would make about half of what I make now - but in my experience if would help me fill self-fulfilled.  (Yes, parenting is fulfilling, but I spend 1 hour a day with Maggie - so at this point i am not really parenting.)  As an aide I would get filled up by working with students, which would give me more energy for Maggie and more time for Maggie.  I would be done with work and back to her by 3:45 each day, where as right nor I am back to her by 5:45 each day.  It would also give me time to work on my studies and just make me a happier person.

Ugh!!!  It is so hard to balance what is right for me verses what is right for Maggie and me.  If it is good for Mama is it good for baby?

What is the male equivelent of getting your period?

Because I think they must get off pretty easy.  I want to tell every dr or nurse who told me "Don't worry after you have a baby your cramps will be non-existent."  They lied - these stupid cramps start the day before!  WTF!!!  Seriously!!!

Anyway, sorry for my very personal rant.  Work was good today, I am sure it will be good tomorrow.  I get to go in early on Friday 6:15am and then leave early though I think I might ask to trade that for Monday morning so I can go to the dr.  hopefully I can find a dr to get into.  I called to get a dr. appointment today and my dr can't see me until November 2nd!!!  A month!  Ugh!!!

The Lights of my life:

Depression--thank you Geck Family

I have struggled on and off throughout my life with depression.  I had a major bout of depression and major anxiety during my pregnancy.  I thought I was doing alright for the past 6 months - but in the last tow days it has hit me like a ton of bricks.  I know that my hormones are majorly fluctuating right now and that makes me a walking nightmare but this is different and it  feels like the fog of depression.  It might be postpartum depression - I think it is a bunch of factors all hitting at once - hormones evening out from pregnancy - residue from loosing my teaching job - learning a new job - being hard on myself - just general life junk landing on my shoulders all at once time.

I will be okay but for a while it isn't going to be easy.  I can't afford to take time off from work to go to the dr. - I already have to take time off to take Maggie to the dr. who has time to take myself to the dr.

I feel like running away and joing the circus...

Today wasn't so bad.  I decided to not get a new-used car and stick with what I have.  Just means that we will have to take 2 cars when we go places with other people :(

I got a new camera - a DSLR  it is nice but boy is it weird.  My other DSLR is a film camera and I haven't used in since 2003.  I forget how it takes two hands to operate.  Obviously I knew this but doing is it awkward.  I love it and it takes great photos - downside no video - I got it at Costco so I might take it back to get the one with Video I don't know - I used my little point and shoot a lot for filming Maggie's milestones.

Work was good today - I was on a pretty good roll. :) 

Worked on my homework from school and got a ton done.  Now I just hope I did it right.  I am not loving the teacher I have she has no sense of humor, and doesn't get me, plus she confuses the heck out of us as we are working our way through this class.  Only one more class then we start the next one which is every week!  Yay!

There are days where I hate my life...

Today is one of them.  I need a car that will fit the baby and the dog comfortably.  Do I find one, no!  I am annoyed.  And, I can only really look on the weekends when my dad is home but he wasn't much help this weekend.  It is depressing, and maybe there are other issues that are making me depressed.  But right now I am unhappy with where my life as gone.  I love Maggie and I am so glad that I have her but I regret moving back home when I got pregnant, I wish I hadn't acted rashly when I decided that.  I wish that the job market didn't suck so much for teachers so that I could be working in an industry that I am passionate about instead of indifferent about.

A lot of wishing isn't getting me anywhere.  But I don't want to be a single mom who gets stuck in a rut.

Good weekend - then...

We had a good weekend - Maggie was relatively healthy, I was relatively healthy we are both getting over a cold and sinus infection (for me).  We went to Newport to the Oregon Coast Aquarium with some of our friends and had a great time.  That was the first time I remember being there and it was Maggie's first time.  It was nice a bit over priced for what they have there.  My favorite aquarium is still the Audubon Aquarium of the Americas in New Orleans.

We got home and I was dead - my back was killing me from hauling Maggie and all her stuff around as well as sitting for such long periods of time in the car.  We took my Dad's Prius which gets great gas mileage (52.6 mpg) but has the most unconformable seats, which are hard and are hard on my back. Ugh!

Sunday I worked on homework and tried to rest up for the week (this is a busy week), we went to one of our friends houses and got some hand-me -down clothes for Maggie - beautiful clothes!!  We ate dinner there and I could tell she was getting hot - as in she was getting a fever.  We packed up and headed home.  I took her temp and it was 101.3  two dr's have told us if her fever gets over 100.5 that Maggie needs to go get her checked for a UTI.  I called the advice nurse and she sent us to the ER at 9pm on a Sunday.  I can tell you that September 26th was Sick Child and Baby Night at St. V's er.  There were so many kids there we were wondering if it was really worth it.  But we finally got in to a room a 10:30pm, got  UTI check and everything came back clean - she had a random fever.  We headed home. As of today (Monday she still has a fever) and cannot go to daycare, my Mom had to take Grandma out so I got to stay with Maggie.  Hopefully the dr. will figure out what is going on because these fevers are getting annoying and going to the Er is getting annoying.

Fingers crossed Maggie will feel better soon.

Uninvited?

I never thought that having a baby would change my friendships so much.  I have always been so accepting of everyone's children and loved them.  But it is amazing to me how it is not reciprocated (granted a few truly love Maggie) but not necessarily the ones I expected.

At the beginning of my pregnancy I lost two friends, one who I considered my best friend and the other a good friend.  I lost them to their own selfishness.  They couldn't accept the lifestyle and choices I had made and thus made judgments against me.  Recently, my other best friend has begun acting strange and while I don't specifically have a three strikes and your out policy it is becoming increasingly hard to want to keep her in our life. 

My best friend invited us to her daughters First Birthday.  I was excited to go, I have hardly seen my friends since Maggie was born and thought this would be a lot of fun.  Unfortunately, she called on Thursday and let me know that she was "uninviting" me to her daughters birthday.  The reason - Maggie is still contagious with Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease.  While that is true based on the CDC the only way she is contagious is if someone basically eats her skin cells.  I don't know how many people at the party would have licked Maggie but I guess that chance was just to great.

Honestly, I have to wonder if the reason wasn't more about the adults than the children.  It is hard to not have my feelings hurt by this recent incident.  I am lucky in that I have other friends who support me and support my lifestyle and choices.  For those friends I am truly grateful.

Sick! Ugh!!

Poor Maggie - came home early from daycare on Friday with "loose stools" aka diarrhea.  I had my mom pick her up when they got home mom checked her temp and it was 100 degrees. 

Saturday - was the SHITS!  literally this poor baby has the worse butt burn I have ever seen.

Day 2 of Daycare and Day 2 after the training...

So Day 2 of daycare went well.  Maggie only cried yesterday for a few minutes when she was going to sleep yesterday.  Today she was so wide eyed all day and took less than 60 minutes of nap the whole day.  So needless to say Maggie fell asleep at 5pm woke up for a few minutes to see me, then back to sleep.  I miss her but when she is asleep I sneak her out of her crib and hold her. 

Day 2 after training - so I started a new job on August 23rd - it is great.  I love the people and think eventually I will fit in - I have big shoes to fill and I think some people are reluctant to have me fill them.  I am getting a cold which is not helping me, but I am working my tushy off and will do great at this job.

Sept. 6, 2010 - Back from our first Vacation

So this weekend we went to Heppner, OR to visit my Dad.  We had a great time.  This was Maggie's first time sleeping overnight anywhere but out house or the hospital.  SHe did really well - she had some sort of allergic reaction to something - we think it was the bottle of pre-made formula.  She got hives, and was vomiting - she got over it within a few hours.  We watched her to make sure she didn't have any trouble with breathing, and she did fine.  But it was scary.  I hate it when she is sick or doesn't feel well.

Heppner was actually a nice little town, so much smaller than Stayton.  You could see from one end to the other.  They had a great looking pool (unfortunately it was closed for the season.)  They have a decent school system there, I have seen their superintendent at the Teacher Job Fairs.  Next time I am there I think I will apply for a job with them.  From what the people of the town say it is time for some new blood in their kindergarten program.

Maggie starts daycare tomorrow - I am freaking out.  1 - it is so expensive ($980 a month) and 2 - because I am afraid she won't get the attention she deserves :)  We will see how it goes.

She is crying for me so I have to go.

Yay!!!