A question I have pondered for to many years without finding an answer that fits the whole of me.
Today, was just one of those days - hell this whole break has been one of those 2 weeks. Where I should be getting rested and feeling renwed for school. I feel more beaten down than ever. I am fucking exhausted, my mom is sick, Maggie is a mess of an almost 2 year old, I have almost no friends left and it all has to be ME, I have to be doing something wrong.
So, I am cutting back. I am always trying to find a way to make out lives better - which honestly appears to be impossible. I had enrolled in a college program to become a Radiology Tech, but have given that up for a while to finish my useless ESOL degree - why the hell am I finishing something that I will never use? Why am I wasting my time and energy on this? All I really want is time with Maggie - time to be her mom without having to run off in a million other directions.
If someone were to ask me if I would recommend them becoming a SMBC I would tell them no, just like I discourage people from becoming teachers. I love Maggie - but apparently I am one of the unlucky ones who everything falls apart for. And, yet I am stupid enough to think that Maggie should have a sibling. I have already tried 2 times this fall to get pregnant but bad things happen like car accidents every time I try. I was thinking about waiting until next July to try but I don't think I will have it together by then. I feel bad for Maggie that I have completely failed her as her Mom.
Having it together means that I am making enough money at a job that is stable to provide Maggie with our own home or apartment. Where she can have her own room. Right now our bedroom is getting a little cramped and there is no where for her to grow to. I would be fucking stupid to bring another baby into this mess.
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