Life

     I think my goal might be just to check facebook once a day and not respond to anything, anyone posts as well as not to post anything.  Hmmmm....

     

I never imagined it would be like this...

      I never imagined it would be like this... lonely, full of hope, sad, happy, depressing, exhilarating, frustrating, elation. Parenting, living, working, being. I struggle with what to do next, I frequently put my life on hold for something or someone that doesn't/don't deserve my time or energy. That person will never love me the way I need to be loved, don't hold on. There are other Pediatric Urologists out there. I am working on living my life for myself and Maggie. It may sound selfish putting myself before Maggie there - but the reason is good - if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. I think I have stayed here frozen in time for to long - I am beginning to feel like the 12 year old I am frequently treated like. Like, I never grew-up.

     A child's personality is set by the age of 3, right now my almost 3 year old is exhibiting a lot of anger issues - I wonder where I went wrong, what parenting choice did I make that didn't work for her, did I choose the right daycare - not always, if I don't like her teacher should I move her - then it turns into a moment where I realize - I am "that" parents.  Granted her issues are no where near the issues of many children I have worked with in the past but, I don't want her to have issues (for herself).

     The thought of moving away from my family and friends scares me and exhilarates me at the same time.  Where we live and I work right now is not conducive to us moving out on our own, the best option the most viable option is for us to move to a state where there are better job opportunities and a stronger economy.  I just have to have the confidence and support to do that. 

      I need people (friends, family) to support me, to say that I can do this.  These are the same people who freak out every time I  try to leave, which in turn freaks me out. If you are one of those people, don't do this, this time!!

Miss Maggie is growing and changing, and while we are working through these issues - she is still the same magnificent, wonderful, creative child that she has always been.

Playing in the park after church on Feb. 17 2013.  I think the girls in our family have a thing with their tongues.

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Working on her activity in Religious Education at the Unitarian Universalism church.  She was learning about the moon.

Feb 17 2013 - we discovered that she is big enough to climb ladders all by herself.

Testing....

Let's see...

posted from Bloggeroid

I just needed one more hit, that's all I promise...

I am addicted to Facebook, I admit it. As of February 17, 2013 at 9:30pm, I am taking a break until the after Easter. My life was feeling to dependent on Facebook, that was how I was living my life and it was so fake. I loved being able to be involved in my friends lives - but then I began to wonder how many of these people are really my friend. And some friends were annoying me on there. So I am taking a break. But, I just needed one more hit, a sample, a taste of it. It was for a good reason, but that is just an excuse. My mom received a call from my bothers girlfriend to let us know that their daughter's blood work came back that her adrenal glands were over producing. I know she would contact me via Facebook, so i had to check in. It is always scary to have your child sick, or diagnosed with an illness, or to find out that there is something wrong but not have a clear answer. Maggie - has been sick a majority of her life, the past 5 months have been the healthiest she ha ever been and she has in that period of time dealt with - a horrible UTI, stomach flu, and a cold. Compared to where were 2 years ago - she was spiking 105+ temperatures every weekend with no clear illness, and even a year ago with chronic strep throat and ear infections. I know that Maggie is on the mend. I hope that my niece's problems are diagnosed and treated quickly and painlessly. So, what am I going to do with all the time I am not facebooking? Good question, considering I checked my Facebook every time I left the classroom (without kids), on my lunch break, in the evening, in the middle of the night, first thing in the morning. Well, I am blogging - it has been a while. So I know I need to get my thoughts out, blogging will probably be a good outlet for that. But, I am hoping that instead of facebooking during lunch I will be able to go on long walks on the college campus. I can't say that I am giving this up for Lent, I no longer celebrate Lent. But, I do know that last year at this time I went through the same feelings that I needed a break from Facebook. At that time I didn't take a break, I was so entangled with Facebook. But, this year I am putting myself and Maggie before some internet activity. I have never dealt with addiction myself. I have been around when family member dealt with it and I can imagine that this is what it feels like to some extent. I have a migraine, I feel stressed, I feel like I am squelching some part of me. I know this is for the best and hopefully I will start to feel better as time goes on.

life themes

I was offered a job teaching ESOL in Idaho, which is what my degrees are for, I would be teaching at the middle school. Today, I had an interview for a head teacher positon at a university in their child development lab. I got called back for a second interview. From the sounds of it I am the only one. So, choices. Make a little less work where the cost of living us lower, work with big kids or make a little more, cost if living is higher have incredible insurance. Hmmm... I hate these decisions. So

I lied to a friend who I have never lied to before

and I feel horrible. I am brutally honest with this friend. I figure lay it all out there either they will stay my friend or run away. I lied to protect myself - I am not using that as an excuse - but I guess I am. How much does a "friend" need to know. Ugh! It is haunting me. I think I might have to text said friend. I don't want too, because then I am letting them into a very private - teeny, tiny part of my life that I use only for me.

I hate my life sometimes

I hate my life right now, the only things I am loving are Maggie and my practicum I miss having a best friend - hell right now I miss having any friends who can hang out or want to hang out. Maybe I am to demanding but right now I need other adult attention. I need someone I can count on besides my mom. I am tired of being single - but I am pretty sure that is the way it will be for the rest of my life. I am tired of going to school, working, doing homework and trying to be a good mom. I feel like a horrible mom most of the time.