Thinking about converting to lesbianism...

any objections?

You are the only person who reads this

did you know that?

Sometimes I wonder why I write but it is a way for me to get it out of me but then what do you think of me when you read this?  Sometimes I am relieved that you are the person reading these posts - it feels safe.  Maybe I couldn't talk these things out face to face but if I write it at least you know - someone who cares.

How is the dating life going? 

Don't worry after that las post I took a Lexapro and a Xanax

I could feel the anxiety and depression flooding me as I wrote that.

What the fuck am I doing here?

A question I have pondered for to many years without finding an answer that fits the whole of me.

Today, was just one of those days - hell this whole break has been one of those 2 weeks.  Where I should be getting rested and feeling renwed for school.  I feel more beaten down than ever.  I am fucking exhausted, my mom is sick, Maggie is a mess of an almost 2 year old, I have almost no friends left and it all has to be ME, I have to be doing something wrong.

So, I am cutting back.  I am always trying to find a way to make out lives better - which honestly appears to be impossible.  I had enrolled in a college program to become a Radiology Tech, but have given that up for a while to finish my useless ESOL degree - why the hell am I finishing something that I will never use?  Why am I wasting my time and energy on this?  All I really want is time with Maggie - time to be her mom without having to run off in a million other directions.

If someone were to ask me if I would recommend them becoming a SMBC I would tell them no, just like I discourage people from becoming teachers.  I love Maggie - but apparently I am one of the unlucky ones who everything falls apart for. And, yet I am stupid enough to think that Maggie should have a sibling.  I have already tried 2 times this fall to get pregnant but bad things happen like car accidents every time I try.  I was thinking about waiting until next July to try but I don't think I will have it together by then.  I feel bad for Maggie that I have completely failed her as her Mom.

Having it together means that I am making enough money at a job that is stable to provide Maggie with our own home or apartment.  Where she can have her own room.  Right now our bedroom is getting a little cramped and there is no where for her to grow to.  I would be fucking stupid to bring another baby into this mess.

I have wanted to write a children's book for a while...

Ever since I participated in the Oregon Writing Project at Willamette University in 2009.  Topics have come and gone but I have found my muse and topic and can hardly wait.  Will it be the best book ever written maybe/maybe not but if  I don't try I will never know.  I am excited, I have the week after Christmas off from work which along with  ton of other things will give me the opportunity to work on my book.

Life has been crazy an very unlucky the past few months - September I started working for Head Start :) October I was in a car accident that caused me to have severe whip lash - the other driver who was at fault had no insurance :(  November my mom went into the hospital with a gallbladder attack and severe pancreatitis - she almost died, she was that sick, December I picked up a child at work to get them out of a dangerous situation as I was baking up I stepped and tripped backwards over another child - causing me to sprain the vertebra in my thoracic region (middle of back) :( 

I am hoping that our luck will change soon - all these things seem to happen during the middle of the month, so fingers crossed we make it through January without any thing bad happening to us.

Life...

So if bad things go in 3's I am done - in the last 3 months I have had 3 car accidents.  So I should be done.

School is done until January!  Yay!!  By school I mean both teaching and learning.  My students come back on January 3rd and I go back to school January 14th.  I am also enrolled in a Biology class at PCC where I hope to finish my re-requisite classes and enroll in their Radiology Technician Program,  I think it will be an interesting field and there is a lot of room for growth.

Maggie is doing phenomenal, she is speaking in multiple word sentences and learning as fast as she can.

We are starting to use cloth diapers - I don't have it in my budget to buy diapers each month so we are using the cloth diapers I got as burp clothes at my baby showers.  I also had a few gift certificates to Babies R Us and bought a few more things to support this endeavor.  Should be fun and interesting.

I am still in physical therapy from my car accident in October - slowly but surely my neck is getting better.  A few days ago I injured my back down lower while picking up a child and stepping backwards.  I stumbled over a child and tried to catch my balance but hurt my back.

Holidays!

I usually hate the holidays - as a kid there was a lot of arguing that went on and in general were really stressful.  But the last few years we haven't had that, we have gone to other people's houses to celebrate which is so nice.

This Thanksgiving - Maggie and I are going to Stayton to celebrate with the Odenthal's.  I am so excited and so is Maggie.

We just got an invitation to go to our friend Ken's house for Christmas Eve  - I love celebrating holidays with his family and friends they are such an incredible bunch.  They always make us feel loved and welcomed.  Yay, we have plans.

Christmas this year will be really lean - Maggie has a few presents and the gifts we are giving are all home made.  Hopefully, future years will be more fruitful but we live with what we have.