I hate my life sometimes

I hate my life right now, the only things I am loving are Maggie and my practicum I miss having a best friend - hell right now I miss having any friends who can hang out or want to hang out. Maybe I am to demanding but right now I need other adult attention. I need someone I can count on besides my mom. I am tired of being single - but I am pretty sure that is the way it will be for the rest of my life. I am tired of going to school, working, doing homework and trying to be a good mom. I feel like a horrible mom most of the time.

Nose surgery

Yesterday, I had my sinus surgery.  I hate having surgery.  My Dr. swears up and down that this is the last one I will have to have.  Apparently my deviated septum was a major culprit in all these sinus infections on top of being exposed repeatedly to allergens in my classroom.  I got to the hospital at 11am and left there around 9:15.  My mom was awesome, she had my Grandma P. there with her for the morning then took Grandma home and picked Maggie up after I was in recovery.  We thought I would be in an out in no time after the surgery.  But I was in the recovery area a lot longer than normal  - like 2-3 hours instead or 90 minutes.  Maggie was also a trooper throughout this - although I am sure my mom was exhausted by the time all was said and done.  I heard from the nurses that Maggie had my mom running around in circles in the waiting room.

Hopefully, I will feel better soon.  If not, I am not going to work tomorrow.  I have to go to work for a little bit on Thursday for a mandatory meeting.  But that may be the only time I am in this week. :(

I can't wait until Thursday when the packing gets removed from my nose - yay!! I will probably be able to breath through my nose by Saturday.  Just in time for Maggie's birthday.

Maggie's birthday present came today - she is getting a Balance Bike.  I wanted to assemble it and bring it to her birthday party so she could get it there.  But, I don't think I will have the energy to do it.

When I was fired from my teaching job I was hurt – I was hurt so deeply the scar still bleeds.  I loved teaching there; I loved my co-workers, the children I taught and coached and all their families.  It was all ripped away from me because I was selfish and wanted a child of my own.  I had seen families grow over my two years at this school and I wanted the same for me.  I never thought that I was being selfish, I was afraid that by the time someone came along who I would want to marry I would be too old to have children.  I wanted nothing more in my life than to have children of my own and be a teacher.

I didn’t feel that I was being selfish, and I still don’t think I was being selfish but that is how it felt when I was fired – that because I was a selfish woman who thought she could have a family without a man I didn’t deserve to have a job at this school.

I am hurt 2 years later, I am scarred and damaged.  I don’t know if I will ever be the person I was or the person who I was going to become without that damage.  I have severe depression and anxiety because of being fired.  No one knows how bad it hurts.    It feels like my family and friends were ripped away and lied to.  When I was fired and decided to move back to Portland Father Steve told the congregation that I left my job because I wanted to be closer to my family.  What a lie – he should have told all of them the truth that I had been fired (would have been illegally if they weren’t a church) because I was single and pregnant.  Most of those families wouldn’t have known the truth if I hadn’t friended them on Facebook and announced it. 

Every time I get close to where I was – emotionally, financially, psychologically, I sabotage it somehow.  When I was working in an office – I sabotaged that job (unconsciously) because of Maggie being sick so often.  When I took a Head Start while I was pregnant – I had such bad anxiety because what if they found out I was pregnant and fired me?  What if they fired me because I went on maternity leave?  I could have had my mom take care of her but Maggie was sick a lot and she was not my mom’s burden.  When I went to Arizona – I was so homesick yet so close to being financially able to support Maggie and myself.  I came back to Oregon and took a job that paid significantly less and makes it so I cannot afford to support Maggie, but at least I am near my family and they can support us – emotionally, psychologically and sometimes financially.

Here is the price I paid for the reaction my employer had to decisions I made in my personal life:

-          Anxiety

-          Depression

-          I cry myself to sleep 2 years 2 months 16 days later.

It may sound easy to forgive those who have wronged me –

Rick – for not standing up to Father and saying that I was a good teacher who made a positive difference in the lives of the children I taught and coached.  For discussing me and my situation at Principal’s meetings – making it impossible for me to ever work in a Catholic school again.

Father Steve – for not having the understanding, compassion, willingness to see past a human’s faults and see that they are trying to reconcile what has happened.  For passing the buck to Rick – and making him fire me.  For lying to the parishioners of the church telling them that I had moved to Portland to be closer to my family – when really I moved back to Portland because I had no job, no way to support myself.  For taking the “matter” to the Bishops Council and getting a vote on what to do and how to handle me.

The parents who told Rick I was pregnant – what gave them the right to tell him I was pregnant?  I don’t even know who the “multiple parents” were.  I think one was a co-worker.

My one former Best Friend/Co-worker for betraying me in a way that hurt so deeply to the core that it has thus far made it impossible to make friends and even keep friends.  She made me not trust anyone except myself, my parents and Maggie.

                I am thankful for the people who stood by me – but 2 years 2 months and 16 days later, I have to wonder how much longer will they be in our life?  Are they permanent?  Are they temporary?  If they are temporary I don’t  want them around Maggie.  I don’t want her getting attached to them.  It isn’t fair to her.

Karma is a bitch - my only hope is that there isn't another victim

So the wicked, gave her resignation on Sunday. On Friday the Head of Human Resources for the Archdiocese informed her that her contract for next year would not be renewed. (Wonder if she has been black listed from Catholic Schools? Is it bad that I hope so?)

She pulled her kids from St. Mary's and said she is going to home school them - that will not go well.

She is setting up the principal to be her next victim - I want to warn him She has apparently made complaints that he created a hostile work environment, he apparently let some teachers pick on her (those teachers do need to be reprimanded - I complained about them when I was there). I am wondering how long until he resigns or is fired.

I am waiting for news of a lawsuit at this point because she has to have something up her sleeve. This isn't over. It seems like warning the principal to have his ass covered wouldn't go over well.

I am going to apply for her job Why not? At this point I would be a saving grace and the lesser of the evils probably. LOL!!

Bwhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

The Daddy question?

As we were laying down to take our nap today Maggie was chattering away in her toddler talk - she does this before falling asleep.  Suddenly, she pulled it together and ask where Nana was, Papa was, Dada was?  I was not expecting to have to answer this question or be asked this question by a 1year 11 month 10 day old.  I was shocked, but I think I handled it well - I told her that every family is different and that our family has a Mama and a Maggie for like a minute I felt like a failure as a parent that she doesn't have a Dad.  But, then I realized I do everything in my power to be the best mom I can be.  No matter what is happening in my own life - just me, just my word I hope that I keep that from effecting Maggie.

Sunriver

Yay! We are finally in Sunriver, today we spent most of the day driving - Maggie was a pretty good traveling companion but I can see that car trips further than this will not happen for a while. Unless she was asleep she was pretty miserable. I think it is a combination of being confined in the car seat - which gets hot, being almost 2 and entering the "terrible 2's stage" and probably just not feeling well. I got this awesome deal on LivingSocial.com for a weekend in Sunriver - we are in a 1 bedroom condo with a Murphy bed in the living room. We are right on the golf course it is beautiful. Lots of snow on the grass but not on the road - yay! Maggie has sure been growing lately - I am amazed at how well she can tell us that something hurts or doesn't feel well, she is also incredible at pretending. Sometimes it is hard to tell when she is pretending she will say - Mama why you hurt me? I will have been in the front seat driving so I was no where near her. It is pretty funny. She also does a lot of pretend play making food, serving it to people, playing with her baby dolls. Gotta run she is waking and it is only 4am.

I am completely and totally forgettable

Tonight I talked with my good friend Suzi she informed me that she had ran into out archnemisis Heather at the local community college career fair. Suzi is already an instructor there teaching Writing and English to Adult ESOL students. Suzi is fantastic!! I met Suzi at the Oregon Writing Project at Willamette University in the summer of 2009 when I got pregnant with Maggie. Heather was one of the people in charge of the program, I remember her showing me Suzi's application and telling me about Suzi. I remember thinking, I think I like Suzi. I hadn't even met her yet. Anyway, Heather approached Suzi and tried to make amends - you see many years ago Heather and Suzi were in a Masters program together where Heather tried to get Suzi kicked out (both Heather and Suzi have told me the same story.) Heather was a real b-i-t-c-h to Suzi. Suzi mentioned that I had told her that Suzi was accomplishing all of Heather's goals - getting her MFA, teaching at the college level, getting a book published. Heather was like Anne who? I don't know Anne. Suzi was like Anne (insert last name, Heather's response was oh that was an unfortunate situation. Eff you Heather!! I was in therapy before I had Maggie because of your complete betrayal of our friendship. I was devastated!! I am so glad to hear that I am unforgettable. Because every time I try to get pregnant again the horrible nightmares of our friendship come back. Seriously cannot believe that I am scarred by someone who didn't care at all, all you wanted was to promote your agenda. You suck as a friend, you suck as a woman, you suck as a teacher, you suck, you suck, you suck!!!